Is there no forgiveness?

It seems like I go through our marriage trying to attone for past sins. Yes, when we were first married I was immature and lazy. Later I was frustrated and lazy. Then I was just lazy and lazy.

I'm over al lot of that since even our first child. True if I'm home alone I revert, but not when the kids are around.

Recently I'm trying my damnedest to do my part and not be lazy around the house. I play with the kids. I bathe the kids. I wash the diapers. I really try to clean the kitchen; I unload the dishwasher and actually put things into it. When I think of it I even wipe off the table and the floor under it. I pick up toys and vacuum the living room floor a couple times a week. On rare occassions I actually, on my own, empty the kitchen and mop the fl that saying things in the wrong way will set her off so try to carefully phrase things to avoid offense. Sometimes that may mean long pauses and slow speech.

So I think I'm doing pretty good.

I get attitude and anger all the time though. Sometimes it's for things that I did or didn't do that day, but usually it seems like the smallest slight grows to tremendous proportions based on sins from 5, 10, 14 years ago.

Here's one from yesterday. I set her off based on two pauses. First I came home and she asked "did you take the cookies to work?" I pause, trying to decide how to answer.

Background: Kate makes delicious cookies that we both have trouble avoiding. She has frequently suggested that I take them to work to share. I have interpreted that to be mostly about getting them out of the house and not so much to fatten up my co-workers. Monday night Kate made some great cookies. The next morning I thought to save them for our camping trip this weekend. I wasn't sure if she might have made them to take to pre-school though. I considered waking her to ask, but I didn't. I packed them up and put them in the camper.

So I paused after she asked the question. I wasn't planning to lie to her, I just wanted to answer in a manner that didn't imply that I thought she had weak will control. To be honest if I had brought them to work I would have eaten most of the batch.

In my mind the memory goes from her asking once, to me pausing for a few seconds to process the answer, to the interrogation lights flipping on and Kate grilling me where the stolen cookies were. It didn't really play out like that though, she repeated the "did you take them to work?" a few times and I answered no, I packed them in the camper for the weekend.

Later we had escaped from the kids for just a few minutes of conversation in the kitchen. She told me some very disturbing news about a murder in the neighborhood. I wanted to talk about my job, how I was getting stuff done but was still very frustrated by the thankless position I'm in. In the lull between thinking about the murder and starting in about my day, she pops up that she's going to the store. Fine, time is limited.

A bit later though she's royally pissed. About the cookie delay, about me not engaging in the kitchen conversation, but I think mostly about the fact that our financial records aren't in order. She's especially mad that I "made her" drop the system she had before we married and go to a filing system that I never helped keep up. That was at least ten years ago! The trigger last night was looking for some documents she couldn't find.

So there I am, in the doghouse as bad as ever even though for the past few months I have really, really been trying. I don't expect her to forget, but what about forgive?

The Dundee Bistro

On our second day in the Willamette Valley, we ate at the Dundee Bistro. The Dundee Bistro was opened by the folks at Ponzi winery. The cuisine focusses on local ingredients and what's freshest and in season, so the menu changes daily.

This is a salad with Pink Lady apples, red cabbage, chevre cheese, and balsamic reduction.

Smoked salmon with brie, toasts, and local strawberries.

Wild salmon on a bed of polenta and vegetables.

Steak, medium-rare with blue cheese.