A Terrible Story

During my heady student days, I had the pleasure of stacking shelves on the late shift for a large supermarket chain.

Various members of the dairy produce aisle team, with whom I worked, would often help themselves to chocolate bars or bags of crisps. The thief would hide the stolen items in an empty box and each member of the team would help themselves to their share of the loot.

One evening I handed one of my colleagues 2 chunks of ex-lax(laxative chocolate), and walked away. He eat both of them. At the end of the shift I handed him the remaining 10 chunks and joked "Here is the rest of the chocolate bar" and walked away.

At this point it should be noted that each chunk has the word ex-lax written on it and as someone had been tricked the week before, I thought he would have got the joke, realised what happened and called me a cunt.

However... he ate the rest of the bar. All 12 chunks in fact! After checking the recommended dosage and discovering that 1 chunk a day should suffice, I decided to come clean and explain what had just happened. He was not exactly happy for obvious reasons and so we decided the best solution was for him to throw up, we tried the fingers down the throat which didn't work, and a few other things, before coming up with the idea of taking him back to our house where we could get him really stoned with bong hits. He had never smoked dope before so thought it wouldn't take much to get him vomiting. Hit after hit he took, until finally he did throw up, unfortunately we were too late, he begun chundering at exactly the same time as the laxative kicked in.

So now, I have one of my work colleagues stoned for the first time ever, puking up in to the washbasin, while sat on the toilet shitting as if it's going out of fashion and I am unable to do anything to help this poor victim of some stupid prank that had now gone horribly wrong.

The outcome was that he spent the next 4 days on and off the toilet and he never spoke to me again.

And another...

I've got this mate who has a filthy mind which occaisonally breaks through into reality.

One night on his walk home drunk, he's dying to drop the kids off at the pool. He's getting more and more desperate until he's only about 150 yards from his house and he can't wait any longer. Now there's this fancy designer menswear shop nearby, and as it's in the wee hours (no-one's about) he squats on their step and marks his territory (dunno if it was a class-war decision or just hi-jinks).

He then proceeds to wipe his arse on his pants, which he then posts through the shop's letterbox to be found when they openmed the following Monday.

I mean, I ask you...?

Mind you, his brother once climbed on a pub roof to shit on it...

Sugar paper

One time when I was in either first or middle school, I can't remember which, I remember being told that the paper they used as backing for all the notice boards where they used to pin all our shit projects and poorly draw artwork was called 'sugar paper'

I'm sure you all had the same paper at your school, its a standard of all schools along with bullies and dinner ladies. Anyway I decided, in my small child's brain, that if it was sugar paper it ought to taste quite nice and sweet. I tore a big corner of one of the notice boards when no one was looking and pocketted it to eat later and try out my theory.

I remember the paper was black and didn't taste sweet at all and moreover it turned my shit green for two days.